Here are some ideas, but most of your message will be communicated through your eyes, facial expression and tone of voice. Make sure you look sincere and focus on the person. They may be feeling numb,lost and hurt so your gentle familiar tone and face will help bring them one step closer to feeling in touch with the world again.
“I am sorry for your loss”
“I hope everything went well today”
“I hope xxx was given the best send-off possible”
“I hope the service gave you some comfort – you have so much to be proud of.”
“I hope your heart will fill with the wonderful memories you have.”
“I am glad that I had a chance to know him/her.” If time permits, say something you liked or admired about the deceased or recount an anecdote. I appreciated a bit of humour but some people may not, so this depends on your relationship with the deceased and their family.
“I will remember him/her every time I see a…” (for my Mum it was cosmos flowers, for my Dad it was a cricket bat,). It was comforting to me to feel that the memory of them would survive.
What would you say to a child?
If you are speaking to a child of the deceased, you can say “you are a credit to him/her” or “your (Grandmother/father/Mum/Dad) would be so proud of you.”
What NOT to say?
The things you should not say are:
Religious things, like “he/she is in a better place” unless you are positive that you share the same beliefs.
“Time heals all wounds”. Though this is true and it may sometimes be appropriate, at a funeral it’s probably too soon to say this. However, a variation, such as “your happiness was always important to him/her and one day his/her loss will hurt less” could be appropriate depending on your relationship with both parties.
“I know how you feel” or statements that make the subject about you.
“Let me know if there is anything I can do” unless you truly mean it and have a specific offer in mind. However, after a few days, a phone call, making the offer, may be appreciated.
Melanie Gail – funeral celebrant in North Yorkshire says “Remember that your presence in itself speaks volumes and is worth a great deal. if in doubt, “I’m sorry” is often the best thing to say.”